Friday, September 28, 2012

Happy 9 months, Topher! I'm kind of obsessed with you.

Seriously, the best looking baby ever. Ever.


Thanks for the pictures, Aunt Holly!



My heart might explode.

"Hi, Gatsby!"


"What's that hanging from your neck?"

"Let me just take a look..."

"Maybe I ought to have a taste."





Family pictures








Early morning playtime. I'm in Craig's boxers. It's my blog; don't judge.



iPhone photo shoot. I just love him.
I've been dying to dress him in this outfit. Craig is dying because I did. ;)







Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Broken. For Good.


When did the world become so heavy? When did my heart become so burdened for the hurts of others?

I hear updates of mothers who pass too soon and leave behind children not yet in school. And my heart hurts. I read stories of children without adequate nourishment, whose bellies are swollen and their mouths dry. And I weep bitter, hard tears. There are times I am so overwhelmed by the injustice of sex slavery and child pornography that I swear violently and sincerely I will take their place. Every now and then, I lie awake at night and pray fiercely for God to sweep these precious children up into His arms, or more practically, up into the arms of a loving parent. In the darkest hours, I wake without reason and war Heaven against Hell. I pace up and down the hallway sobbing and praying all the while. Then I tip toe into my son’s room. Just to make sure. Just to thank Jesus.

Is it normal to weep over children you’ve never met and probably never will? Is it sane to post at 2am about the transformation of motherhood? What else do I do with the salty stream of tears streaking down my face? That I can see the world more clearly through these tears is a profound mystery to me.

Motherhood has changed me. I honestly cannot even recall the person I was before this transformation. And I don’t want to. I’m sure that girl was likeable enough. Funny enough. Pretty, smart, kind enough. But she’s no longer enough for me. My heart is too broken, too malleable, too soft to ever be her again. The responsibility of motherhood burdens me, and yet it sets me free.

My worldview has bourgeoned into something beyond myself, something bigger and vaster and more holistic than I could have ever imagined. I rock my sweet baby through teething, colds, ear infections, little fingers caught in the cracks of doors, and I rock and rock and rock. I kiss his head, stroke his cheek, and sing off key Christian lullabies until his tears have subsided. And then I hold and rock him even tighter. What is this in my heart that makes me want to rock all the children of the world? Even all of those wounded adults who were once children? These rocking moments have made me keenly aware of my dependency on, my addiction to Jesus. Truly, is there any other answer? Any other hope or healer? Any other name by which men can be saved? All other ground really is sinking sand.

There was a time, I remember vaguely, when my heart tried to empathize with humanistic, secular causes. There were instances when I attempted to extend common grace to the plight of gays fighting for marriage, women fighting for pro-choice laws, and the medically uninsured fighting against the one percent. But what mother has the time or the heart for that? Who among us has energy to fight for anything more than our children’s innocence, health, and salvation?

The right drawer of my home office desk is filled to the brim with fliers that come to my mailbox. Anti-sex trafficking organizations. Orphans in African countries. South American children with cleft pallets. I want to rescue them all. Only, I can’t. My finances and my time are limited. But my heart is full and overflowing. Somehow, by some divinely beautiful mystery, knowing all of this breaks and heals me over and over again. My responsibility to love the world as I love my son prompts me to action, and my hope in Jesus sustains me against the waves of doubt and disbelief.

Oh, how gracious the Lord is to use motherhood to set me free from the bondage of self and open my eyes to the needs of others.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

The 15.



Californians put an article in front of all their freeways: The 15; The 5; The 101… I’ve spent the last two weeks driving up and down The 15 to and from faculty orientation.  Each week’s drive sums about 15 hours. Given all of this, it’s only fitting that I title this post The 15 and update the Crenshaw household with a top 15 list.

15. The number of sermons I’ve listened to during my 30 hours of driving. Someone give me an M.Div!

14. The number of hours my mom and Craig have spent watching the Republican National Convention while I sat in HR health insurance meetings.


13. I counted 13 gopher holes in our front and back yard. I despise gophers. California prohibits killing them. You can manage them, but you can’t kill them. What if I manage to kill them?

12. Speaking of wildlife around these parts. I’m up to 12 or 13 on the number of coyotes I’ve seen roaming my neighborhood. Again, California prohibits harming these nasty, mangy, blood thirsty, protected animals.

11. This one is just a guess, but I would imagine I’ve signed up for 11 different technology websites, compliments of all of my in-service training.

10. My sweet baby boy knows at least 10 words: Bottle (that one’s his favorite); Nurse (it was his favorite word until I started orientation—sad.); Gatsby; Bath; More; Mommy; Daddy; School; Guitar; Car.




9. Feel sorry for me. I still have nine pounds of baby weight left to lose.  A few dinners ago, over Domino’s cheese pizza, Craig asked me what my plan was for losing the rest of the weight. I was a little indignant, but he had a right to ask; I talk about it often. I facetiously asked if he thought 15 hours in the car each week might help tone. Maybe I can drive up and down The 15 with one of those thigh master bars.

8. Christopher turned eight months yesterday! He’s growing so fast. I keep trying to freeze time and soak in all his baby-ness. But, alas, he keeps growing.


7. We’ve had seven days hit above 85 degrees this summer. I know that may not sound too terribly hot, but we don’t have AC, people! Sad face.

6. My sweet mommy is here for six days. She’s been watching Christopher so he doesn’t have to go to pre-school.




5. I should probably be more embarrassed than I am by this: I have eaten five cans of Gerber cheesy puffs in the last two weeks. They’re Christopher’s, of course, but I eat them all. the. time.

4. In four days, I start my Assistant Professor position at CBU. I’ll be teaching four English courses.

3. Christopher will attend three full days of childcare while I’m on campus teaching and working. It’s difficult to leave him. I suffer from an unbelievable amount of mommy guilt. But, ultimately, I think he’ll be just fine. He loves school. I love school. And when I’m with him, I am with him. I do all of my professor/PhD work at night and during his naps. 
Dear Lord, please let Christopher sleep from 7pm to 7am until he’s old enough to entertain himself without being a harm to himself. What age it that? 19? 20? 35?

2. I’ve conducted two interviews for my dissertation. Three more to go. And then about 15,000 more hours of writing. 

1. Condoleezza Rice. I’m always inspired by this woman’s poise, precision, and persuasive speeches. Rice’s was the only speech I was able to catch at the RNC, but my mom and Craig reenacted Clint Eastwood’s for me.



Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Alex

My sweet nephew, Alex, is home from the hospital! Thank you, Jesus.

Alex has spent about 7 months at Cook's Children's Hospital in Fort Worth receiving treatment for Leukemia. For the first few months, doctors tried to heal him with chemotherapy, but when all attempts were unsuccessful, his doctors encouraged a bone marrow transplant. Alex was given a 50/50 chance, which was significantly better than his odds of success with chemo alone.

This sweet little boy took up residency at the hospital for the majority of his third year of life. But in turn, Alex has taken up residency in the hearts of so many. He has been unbelievably loved and covered by his family and a large community. This kiddo has a prayer network rivaling anyone or cause with which I am familiar. He has been prayed for during church services, at the Ft. Worth rodeo, at blood drives-- you name it. It is humbling to see the way the Lord is using his story.

Alex still has a way to go before he's in the clear. In fact, although he's going home, he'll have weekly doctors' appointments, more if there are complications. Alex is beating cancer! This little guy is going to have an amazing testimony to tell.

Alex gets a visit from his pastor, Rick Atchley.


 The Ft. Worth community pulls together for blood drives.


Rodeo star, Tuff Hedeman, comes to visit.


Bike ride'n around Cooks.

Alex's going home party



Alex's pastor gave a prayerful shout out to Alex on Sunday.
http://www.thehills.org/files/podcasts/20120825-9-Where_Always_Is_Heard-web.mp3

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Photo Post


I’m going back to work.



Christopher is going to part time preschool.

Craig is going to learn a whole new meaning of partnership. ;)


We’ll let you know how it goes!